How NOT to Travel

Thought this article was too cute not to share! 

Source: Conde Nast Traveller Magazine

Editor's letter: August 2013

So, it turns out there's a reason why over the past 25 years, regardless of my income, I am always hovering on the wrong side of my overdraft limit. 'You don't know why you are always broke?' asks my friend Tom, his brow furrowed. My heart sinks. I do not know. I'm aware that something is awry in the accounting department. But I cannot quite grasp it, as if I am chasing a dust mote across my own eye which falls off the disc of my vision just as it is within reach. 

'Because you are a terrible traveller. Because you are always booking the wrong flights. Because you are always on the wrong train. Because you do not understand the basic tenets of travelling.'

He is right of course, though it hurts (more than I can say). Recently I needed to travel from Milan to Geneva. I didn't know exactly what time I'd be done in Milan, so I booked two flights at different times. Then I talked to my stepmother (it turns out she too has a low opinion of my skill set, 'You know nothing about how to travel, it's a family joke, we all laugh about it, a lot') and she says that Milan Malpensa airport is always subsumed in fog and no flight ever leaves on time. Ever. So I book a train ticket. But I arrive at the train station early. So I book another. 

In a week my husband and I will be travelling with Tom to Fäviken, the famous restaurant where you eat lichen and tree-sap. 'Except,' as Tom says, 'you have booked the wrong flights. On the wrong days.'

 In an added twist, it turns out the season in Sweden/Denmark/Norway (now I'm not even certain which country Fäviken is in!) doesn't start until the day after we arrive. So there is nowhere for us to stay.

My husband, who knows nothing of any of this, is going to kill me. 

But then I will remind him the only reason we met in the first place was because of my affliction. I'd made it to the right place all right, a tiny house in southern Portugal. 'Hello,' says our mutual friend. 'It's incredibly lovely to see you. But you do know you're a week early?'

This is the new issue of Condé Nast Traveller. For people who I hope are significantly better at this than I am.